Second Chances !

    I felt that my life was going through the lowest, I was heading downhill without any breaks to control. Every time when I feel that I won’t stoop down anymore, I slid further down. I doubted my decision of moving out of home for the first time over these 6 months. I missed home, I missed people around me. Every day had been the same, I get up around 8 in the morning and skip the breakfast mostly just to watch an episode of Dexter. I sat in the dark room, the sun light hardly came in. I look around just to realise that the room had become messier than it was day back. I hardly cleaned. I stopped looking into everything when I realized that it didn’t matter anymore, everything in life would happen if even we made the least possible effort if it had to happen It is called as Karma, but I prefer to call it as circle of life. You get what you give, and you also get what you don’t give.

    The day was no different. I got up, switched on my laptop and started the watching the 6th episode in season 3 of Dexter. I always felt that the character of Dexter did come close to mine, not the murders though, but the philosophies he believes in. He does know he is a monster at heart, but he never thinks so. He is a monster but a good one. I start to think whether it is important to be a good person outside and do all the bad stuff without telling the world or to be a bad person and let the world know about it. The killings never grabbed my attention but the intentions behind it did. He does know he could not overcome his disabilities and the only way that he could survive is to kill someone and how did he turn out to be the monster without letting his life affected.

    I got up from the chair and it creaked, I had always been thinking to oil the chair and it has never happened. I made mental note of it to oil it tomorrow morning before I could sit to watch the series. I looked up at the watch, it was five minutes past 9 and I had an hour to get ready and continue my work at office. I took a shower about half an hour, and it always proved to be the most productive time of the day. I used to think of all the activities that I need to do for the day, not that I had many to think about though but the hot water from the shower always had some magic in it. It brought back memories, memories which I was trying hard to forget. It’s not been long since I started staying with Priya and the memories remained fresh. It’s been 3 months since she left but those memories remain intact. I wondered how she would be now, what she would be thinking about, how her day starts. I still miss her in bed and those lazy morning that we used to have, quick struggle in preparing the breakfast, showering together, having coffee together holding the new papers in the balcony and watch the bird’s chirp. When you share so much with someone, and the person leaves, it is hard to move on. I try hard not to remember her, but it is always impossible to cut down a part of life and act as if nothing had happened, our brain doesn’t work that way.

    I wrapped up warm towel around me and poked my head out through the window, it was raining. I always had a bad feelings with rain. The messy roads, the traffic, power cuts, most importantly her thoughts, the rain brought back everything. We used to skip office and took the option of work from home whenever it rained. The world did not matter to us but now as I realise that she has gone, I feel that I don’t belong to this world. Maybe, that’s the problem when a person means the world to you leave, it’s not just the person who leaves but it’s the entire world. Now, you need to search the lost world and bring back all the broken pieces.

    I wondered whether I could be normal again, whether people would accept me the mess I am. I was in a verge of getting terminated at my work place and the only motivation that I had to work was to pay the rent and also to buy primal goods for existence. I missed home, I missed people around me, I missed Priya, I missed myself.

    I should have stopped her when she went away from me. I was arrogant and so was she. Our world’s were different, we never understood that. While I wanted us to get married, she had dreams. She never had interest in commitments. She had her reasons to be the person but I never understood. Her parents got divorced, her belief in marriage was shattered at an young age. Her mother never came to see her again. Her dad was an alcoholic and he married again within a span a 1 year from the day her mother left. She existed but never lived. She faced a lot of trauma in her childhood and I was aware of all that has happened to her but I had my opinions to argue.

    I remember how she used to be the silent girl in our college and she would spend most of her time at the library. She either used to be in the classes or at the library or in her hostel room. She never really had any friends t hang out with. She never partied, she never watched any movies and it would go on and on but I liked her for what she is. She told me she was a mess and broken soul and it would be hard for me to handle her as she had never felt love in her life till then. While I was trying to get to know about her, she told everything about her and her family, she had never opened up with anyone till then but she did with me. She felt safe with me unlike her dad.

    We used to spend our nights in the water tank above the boy’s hostel talking. The entire night we used to talk watching the beautiful night sky. She used to lean on my shoulder and say everything about her dreams, her wish to be with me forever, how she missed being loved by anyone till then, how she was mature at a tender age. I used to listen, I used to love listening to her and her life. She was full of life. You used to tell stories about the rain and how you hated. While it rained, there used to be no current and people used to come and sit outside the houses. While children around your age were talking and playing in the rain with their parents and eating ice creams, you were sitting in the dark and looking at the kids playing and thinking what had you done to deserve that. I realized how deeply you were hurt. You missed being you and I was a rainbow in your life. You had  the courage to show your scars and be beautiful with it.

    I remember you saying that, you were never sad when you were lonely in your childhood but when I came into your life and brought a hope that even your life could be beautiful just to be throw into the reality that nothing had changed when I left, it couldn’t be the person myself. Every single day in these 3 months I had never spent a second without thinking about you. Every single day I sit on the chair in the morning and at night watching the sky, I see your face. I remember the days we spend together and think what had we done to be where we are. Truth and Lie, I wonder whatever we believe are truth and what we don’t are lies. The truth is I love you.

    I got up, it was raining outside. I oiled the chair and it did not make the squeaky noise. Maybe we all are Dexter inside, some times the scars heal and in time we all may forget how we got them. I stood outside your window and shouted your name. You looked outside and I saw you smile. I shouted “ We both can get wet and I promise that I would never let you hate the rain again.”

Second chances are often beautiful !